Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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