I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
