He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
