mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
