The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
