FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
