i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
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