Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
