he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I need a beard to bite.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
