well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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