He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
