at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
