You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
