guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
