mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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