So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
