I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Randomize
