$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
