I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
