I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
