Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
