i used baking grease as lip gloss
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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