you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
