Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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