My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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