Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
