i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
