just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Randomize
