I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
This toilet bowl is my home.
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