how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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