youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
