Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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