I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
They took my balls.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
