I feel great
I just peed on a car
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
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