I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
