you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
