It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
