I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Randomize
