I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
