i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
