Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Randomize
