how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I will be naked everywhere
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
