Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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