Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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