Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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