im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
