My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
it was like eating out sand paper
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
