whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
