I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
