I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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